Matt Hoss' Brexit Blog

Martin Luther King Junior once said:
“The arc of the moral universe is long, but it bends towards justice.”

In the last month, right wing members of the government, like a big evil Uri Geller, have bent this moral arc away from justice and towards a torrent of sewage, evil spirits and Paris Hilton.

So. Here we are. Brexit.

Jesus Christ.

It’s nearly a month since the vote on Brexit. So much shit has happened since then, both personally and politically. Never before have I been so distraught about politics, never before had I felt so utterly saddened and deflated by the actions of the people and the government. Never would I have EVER thought that I could have been saddened at David Cameron stepping down. These are strange and dark times. I mean, Those £9000 loans aren’t looking as bad now. Jeez, remember when the Lib Dems were the worst thing in our lives. Awh, remember when we were happy? Whereas now: watching the news is like subscribing to a daily punch from David Haye, which they make you pay for. So I feel sad and have a broken face. 

This blog is going to be me trying to wrap my head around some of my feelings and thoughts at the moment.It attempts to find humour. Does it succeed? I'm not too sure. But it's entertaining at the very least. 

TIMELINE

So just to have a quick little catch-up on some of the crazy events in the last month:

·         The tragic death of MP Jo Cox.

·         The Remainers were confident for a win.

·         The Remainers did not win. Brexit vote emerges to victory.

·         Farage is a wankmuffin.

·         Brexit Leaders freak out at unsuspecting win.

·         David Cameron quits office.

·         Farage is a Wankmuffin.

·         5 homophobes apply to be Tory Leader.

·         There is a spike in racial hate crimes.  

·         Bojo quits office. Like taking a massive shit in a hotel room, and expecting others to clean up his self-curated mess.

·         Gove gove’d himself out of office.

·         Andrea Leadsom and May battled for leader. Like the most menopausal Jedi/Sith battle ever.

·         Leadsom thinks she is better at being PM because she is a mother. She said that she would ground the entirety of the UK until it tidied it’s room. Leadsom is certainly a mummy, in regards to that she looks like she’shad her heart harvested and just left left a sarcophagus, being incredibly old, and probably had a few slaves. May, like a unglamorous Clare Underwood, ignored these attacks.

·         Instead of utilising the Tory’s weak sinking ship; Labour called a mutiny, sets their own boat on fire,  and in unison blamed Corbyn. Their ship sinks faster.

·         Farage is a wankmuffin and wankmuffins his way out of being UKIP leader. Again.Still claims payment on being a MEP. 

·         Leadsom drops out of the race. Everyone rejoices. Then everyone realises they have May as Pm. Everyone says “Oh fuck!”.

·         Labour, like a teenage girl, still hates on itself. Labour listens to MCR, wears heavy make-up and says how “no one gets them”.  

·         Theresa May gets into office. Gets rid of the necessary departments dealing with climate change, the environment and if it were possible, oxygen. Fails to reinstate the department of happiness.

·         My mum came along to a gig, sat down in the front row and visible wore a thong. Worst day ever.

·         May dictates a hard-line of austerity…

·         …but spends £205 billion on a useless submarine. God bless the NHS.

·         Cthuhulu emerges from the sea and creates havoc. Followed by having tea with her sister, Theresa May. 

That isn’t even half of the events. I mean the Chilcot Inquiry was pretty big news, but I think he revealed it at the worst time. He should have marketed it WAY better. You need more hashtags Chilly! And there have been awful and atrocious terror attack all around the globe. We are living in unstable times. 

I just want things to be consistent just for a week. Thankfully Farage is consistently, he’s always been a wankmuffin before and after Brexit. It’s nice to have somethings not faltered in such a fragile time.  You know it’s bad when we have to rely on Nigel for emotional support. I feel bad for his wife.

But the next couple of weeks,  who know what could happen. Following from that list, events could exponentially grow crazier and crazier. We should try and foresee some of these things – it’s called “Depressing Events Bingo”. The only game where you can never win  or get any better (unless you hate human rights).   

Some of the events I predict in the forthcoming months. If I get three right in a row, I win.
The prize: Heartbreak and white guilt.

1)      Jesus has his second coming, hates everything he sees and goes to Las Vegas for a long weekend to forget about it all.

2)      Ghostbusters come to the UK and cannot get rid of the ghost of Margaret Thatcher who has possessed Theresa May.

3)      The entirety of Scotland decides to leaves taking their land mass with them. They floats towards Canada and they create a progressive utopia. Canada then has three languages: English, French and Drunk Glaswegian.  

4)      George Osbourne becomes the next King Kong on Skull island. Or so he thinks. He is a weedy man in a loincloth on Blackpool beach; out of head on bath salts.

5)      The devil puts in a formal application to have the UK to be the new hell. Unfortunately for Brexit fans, there would be a lot of immigrants for this option.

6)      Pirates support Jeremy Corbyn as he has a nautical image. Ninjas support Owen Jones because he often found hiding from the public eye. And he’s welsh. Labour’s civil war has the world biggest and most awesome fight yet.

7)      David Cameron gets a talking car and lives a life on the road. He lives a life as a mixture of Mad Max and Knight Rider, but instead of learning to fight, he just talks down to everyone poorer than he is. 

8)      Blair robs a children’s charity in order to to pay for the vol-au-vents at a cocktail party. He says “he’d do it again”. Chilcot sighs and starts typing again.

9)      Boris Johnson joins Blink 182.

10)    Donald Trump becomes president.

If anyone of those happens, particularly the last one, I think we should just start civilisation from scratch. Might be for the best. Year 0 everyone?

Want to add to this the Depressing Event Bingo list? Tweet it to me @MattHossComedy and I’ll edit it in (with #DEBingo) and attach your name to it. 

BREXIT AND DEMOCRACY

Democracy is a fickle bitch. Everyone wants democracy  (if it's in their favour). If it isn’t they kick off a fuss. But being a left-wing young person in the last month has been the pinnacle of a society so pinned against us. So I’ve been trying to understand the full spectrum of Brexit thoughts.

So why exactly did people wanted to leave? Do people not like Human rights, free movement and no spikes in racial crime? They certainly don’t like democracy, why else would you vote for the Tories and read The Sun?

A lot of people claimed that the voted out because of TTIP (which is an agreement that may have happened which would have led to the privatisation of the NHS), but that was far from a done deal. 

Ironically now, Farage has come and say “well because you voted Brexit, we need extra money so we are going to have to privatisation it anyway”.  I’ll pay anyone £20 to kick that wankmuffin in the cock. The £20 won’t be worth anything between the time of kicking and collecting payment, so I’d recommend you doing it for yourself more than for the money.

And apparently, Brexit may not really happen to the full degree that leavers had voted for. Hollande has given May an ultimatum which may lead to a partial Brexit and if it is a full Brexit, then it won’t be happening until at least 2017. Which is understandably frustrating if you voted leave.

There is one good thing to come out of this though. The ladies call me the Brexit of the bedroom. 

No- not because  I have a gaggle of randy bigoted white men follow me into the love chamber. 

It’s because I disappoint everyone involved.  

Another good thing - I think I’m going to write Brexit: The Musical. It will be overly flamboyant to truly represent the repressed Tories which backed it. It will be full of actors and musicians who can’t afford living costs because of austerity measures on the arts. And Boris will be played by Barry from Eastenders.

Some of my songs from Brexit the Musical:

- Springtime For Farage
- Defying Democracy
-  RENT (prices going up).
- The Music of the Nightmare.
- The Book of Morons
- Mamma Mia has been deported back to Greece

And after article 50 has passed and since the department for environmentalism has gone, I imagine the whole world will look like STOMP.
No more, Brexit makes me feel miserables.

TRIDENT

So we have got a Nuclear submarine. Which is explains why the Beatles’ submarine was yellow, it was carrying hazardous materials. Imagine the song for that. Well I wrote a song. Enjoy. The lyrics are on the bottom of the page. SKip to a minute in for the music.

We are in times of austerity, where working class people have to strive to feed families, where young people can’t get a decent living wage out of university, where the green polices and the arts are not even considered for funding. 

But  guys don't worry. We have a fucking submarine.

I bet they won’t have the decency to call it Boaty McBoatface.


A nuclear deterrent is a pointless thing.  It’s basically a cock measuring contest. It’s saying “don’t bomb us – or else we will bomb you back”. But if the warring country, let’s Russia for example, have already sent a nuclear missile, the deterrent is therefore useless. It isn’t going to save our lives, it’s only going to kill more people if we send a bomb back. So ultimately we’ve paid £205 billion for peacock feathers. But we are talking about nuclear destruction, and we are certainly plotting our own history here and planning for a war in the future.

My argument is, why don’t we, you know, start talking our problems with other countries, instead of plotting for the worst? Because if we can sort our problems in a civil manner, it may be better and safer for everyone in the long run. But that would require Britain to be an approachable, friendly and non-abrasive country. It would require to maintain friendly relations with all of the EU. Erm. Hmm. Yeah. On second thoughts,  maybe Trident wasn’t a bad idea. Let's prepare for nuclear assault. 

Also, since we have weapons of mass destruction, can America invade us now? We don’t have any decent resources for them to take, so they will have to invade us to take our British sense of humour away from us.
I mean they have already taken The Office. They’ve essentially taken all of our cultural capital anyway. Regardless, Tony Blair will be living in the submarine, like Golum with the ring, will end his days surrounded by pointless weapons of mass destruction.

National Pride:

People say they want “our country back”. “Our”. Who are they referring to? The citizens already here? The UK citizens since birth? White people? I dare you to pick ANY  person at random and if you go back a couple of generations into their lineage, there will be some foreign element to that person's genes. There are no “purebloods”. It's not Harry Potter. And why the hell would that matter anyway? Who honestly gives a shit where you come from?

“Well we don’t want immigrants coming over here and stealing our jobs”. They aren’t stealing your jobs. They are fulfilling a positive role in our society, by largely filling menial and non fulfilling jobs, low-paying jobs.  If you don’t want them coming over here are doing our menial jobs, well put some marigold gloves on and grab a mop. You’re hired. And stop eating McDonalds too. Lose some weight. 

I believe this antagonising feeling all comes down to one thing: National Pride. 

National pride makes people do inane shit against people they don’t know or understand purely for the reason that they “love their country”. You love your country? If you love the Tories, the England football team and shit weather, you have awfully low self-esteem. You can do better. You could love Germany.

I don’t think I have ever had any National pride. I really like living in Britain. I’m honestly over-privileged, overly lucky  and I feel awful complaining about it. I love that I’m able to study and pursue my passions and art, but do I have any pride in my country? Not really.  I don’t really feel “British” and I never have done.

For example: I mean I hate all sport, so I’m never behind England/Britain when it comes to sporting events. I mean there is rarely any pride in most English sports, but you know.
And I hate getting really drunk. Or going out. Or enjoying many fine ales. I’m vegan – that means I don’t like fun. I don’t want to get wrecked in the name of my country.
I mildly like Yorkshire tea. But not enough to defend my country over.

But National pride is a weird reason to justify any action. For example, I really love my cat. REALLY LOVE HER. But I’m not going to try and destroy the economy, future generations and make an irredeemable split in the nation for her.

But then again she is SUPERCUTE so I might do it anyway. #loveyourcatnotyourcountry

I think it really comes down to this. How do you define someone as “British”? What values do they sustain which splits them from the rest of the pack?

Hard-working? Determined? Willing to do what it takes when things got hot? 

That could be used to describe any number of immigrants coming to the UK to find a better start for their families. Or Syrian refugees who have traveled for their lives, after we bombed their homes. They don't give up for the people they love. That is British. 

Farage is none of those things. Farage is rude, ignorant, and gives up when shit hits the fan. Above all else, he blames other people other than himself. Do you know what Farage is? 

Farage is American.

No PROPER British person would kick up a fuss about the EU like he did. If you were properly British and discerned with the EU, the most you would do- would be make passive-aggressive small talk with a Remainer, consider making a point, but just go home and grumble instead. Farage is none of those things. He is archetypally unbritish. We should have him and all the bigots deported as of immediately for being overly American.

Farage is also a Wankmuffin.

You don’t own Britain. You don’t have the right to take away it from anyone else. Unless you are Rupert Murdoch. Then you do.

Conclusion:

It’s so tough to be liberal at the moment. We are living in very dark times. Without sounding overly dramatic, we are seeing the rise of nationalism and it’s looking a little Nuremberg-y at the moment. Fuck me, if UKIP youth are coming soon, those kids need to get bullied.

Being a Remainer, being left wing, being young and helpless has made me feel like you don’t have a voice. Since my adult life, politically, I’ve had nothing go the way I want it to.  And in personal life too. May be it’s just me? I understand that is how democracy works, and I’m happy for it to take action, but when will there be an outlet for change for my generation?

In the last month, it’s exacerbated as I’ve had right wingers, racists and leavers who have sneered down at me in their gluttonous win. Chuckling with sick a demeanor.  They spend their time rejoicing in their newfound victory, but we must have faith.
Do you know why?

Being a liberal, EVERYDAY we lose, we are betrayed, and the odds are not in our favour.

I’ve realised we are The Stark Family.

We are backing the good guys, we get continually dicked on and all of our best friends die: WE ARE THE STARKS.  The thing is, that you have to bear with it. I know it doesn’t sound great, being that the Starks have awful awful lives. But they stand-up for what they believe in and eventually, through trials and tribulations, we get our vengeance. The North Remembers.

The Tories are the Frey family, drinking their (European imported) beers and metaphorically wanking each other off with their constant success. They are glib. They are over confident. They are beating us. For now. Our time will come. We unfortunately do not have a dragon to aid us in battle, as she has just turned Prime Minister.

And the wildlings (The SNP) are always willing to help us. Ironically, they are way more progressive than us. 

Struggling with your day? Slight spoilers – but think of the Leave team being Ramsay Bolton. And imagine you are a dog.  That should give you solace. 

But we must continue to survive and thrive. To find our feet, and not to fight within our own family.We are Starks, and Winter is coming my friends. Winter. Is. Coming. 

Before I go. A parting image and a final piece to summarise my blog.

                                                        Farage is a wankmuffin.

                                                         And that is not icing.

Thank you for reading. I hope you have enjoyed this. If you like it please share it! 

Please visit my website: www.matthosscomedy.com

Here are the lyrics to NUCLEAR SUBMARINE:

In the country, where I was born,
Lived Theresa, on Downing Street
And She decided, to take our money
For her nuclear submarine

She call it a deterrent
But would she have done this, if she was a parent?
She’s like Ursulla, but her trident,
Is  a nuclear submarine

Theresa live on a Nuclear submarine, a nuclear submarine, a nuclear submarine.
We’ve all grown limbs on the Nuclear submarine, the nuclear submarine, the nuclear submarine.

And her friends, are all on board,
Claiming taxes to live next door,
And the band begins to play
TRUMPTRUMPTRUMPTRUMP.

We’ve spent too much money on  a Nuclear submarine, a nuclear submarine, a nuclear submarine.
ISIS don’t care about a Nuclear submarine, a nuclear submarine, a nuclear submarine.


And the Tories live with ease
Spending billions, instead of things we need,
like Public services, or anything green
For a useless - submarine (Submarine, ha, ha)

We all live in a nuclear submarine
nuclear submarine, nuclear submarine
We’ve lost the NHS to a nuclear submarine
nuclear submarine, nuclear submarine
The russians don’t fear our nuclear submarine
nuclear submarine, nuclear submarine
Cyberattacks continue despite with a nuclear submarine
nuclear submarine, nuclear submarine

G4S will profit from the nuclear submarine
nuclear submarine, nuclear submarine
The world’s underwater because of the nuclear submarine.
I’ve written this song because of the nuclear submarine.

But thank fuck we don’t have Boris – or else it could have gone like this

I am the eggman, they are the eggmen,

               

I am a walrus.