Confidence & Overt Optimism

Confidence

Last night, I was in a men's toilet in a service station on the northern stretches of the M1. That is not how all of my stories begin.  I was tired and had a lot more miles to trek before getting home after a gig. The services were eerily quiet as it was the twilight period of perpetual night (roughly 10.45pm). There were a band of merry travelers (4 lads who were quiet loud) and many solo, faceless travelers like myself. The only thing that is open at this ungoldy hour is the McDonalds, where it never closes. McDonalds is omniscient, omnipotent and omnipresent. McDonalds is our capitalist god.

I went for a pee after my black coffee. It tasted bitter-  which was funny because it reflected my mood. The restroom was vaguely pleasant. Nothing to moan about. Not worthy of going on Tripadvisor in any favourable or unfavourable ways. But then I saw something which shook my core.

There stood a condom machine. A touting of tempting arousal, potential pleasure and Anadin.
Anadin are really out of place in those machines. I reckon they only have Anadin in the machine to combat the possibility of the archetypal wife saying "Sorry, not tonight. I have a headache". This has misogynist undertones, but why would you believe a condom machine to be the good guy?

But it made me feel really weird. Has anyone EVER bought from that Condom machine? I suppose that people may have bought from general machines before. But has anyone ever bought a condom from that specific machine?

Who on earth has ever felt so lucky that they would buy condoms at a service station in yorkshire. service station? It doesn't matter time of day - it is not going to get used. No one has ever been turned on at a M1 service station.

Service stations, by their very nature, harbor people who have been travelling for hours and miles in a hot sweaty car with other people, who need either to urinate or eat with a gluttonous furor. What type of sordid male has ever thought:  "This situation makes me feel horny and precarious. Best buy some condoms". If you ever did feel so reckless in your sexual prowess to buy from these machines, you may be the type of person not use contraception. Maybe they are buying some for the end of the journey? Maybe. But they are definitely cheaper elsewhere. Just swing by Boots on the way home.

Seeing this machine really challenges my idea of people. Who has ever been so confident or lucky in their life to pull outside of a Kripsy Kreme? Has anyone gotten a number in the book aisle of WHSmith?  Have tongues touched in the arcade zone? (Definite no for this one. No self-respecting adults ever go into the arcade zone).  That person who is able attract in the No-Man's-Land of attraction is far from me.

I've never been that confident in my own abilities. I'm far too self-aware of myself. I'm always uncertain about myself. I'm also uncertain about that fact too. This condom machine was the antithesis of me (sadly, in far too many ways).

I don't think anyone has ever bought from this machine, and I fully expect there to be some dusty condoms. However, if someone were to buy some, that man would be Donald Trump.

You are probably questioning this. "Trump? You sure? He probably doesn't use condoms -  he doesn't use proper hygiene from what I've heard recently".You're not wrong.

But the thing is, the man is weirdly confident in his own abilities to get what he wants (well he is a white male billionaire)- despite everyone in the world thinking he's a fucking idiot. Which he is. He is a mixture of deluded and optimistic, which is essentially a child's view of the world. I'll give you an example.

In his most recent press conference, the first since the election he said "...at the end of these 8 years...". 8 Years. He assumes he is going to get into office again after 4 years. This is a man who struggles coping with nasty tweets. This is a man that can barely cope the pressure of the presidency before he gets into office. This is a man who has standing court orders. How can someone be so confident in themselves, despite being so wrong all the time? Please lord, don't make it 8 years.

I wish I could be that optimistic in my life, but I'm resorted currently to living in reality, without condoms. Maybe one day, I'll buy those condoms, but for the time being, I have no need in purchasing them.

We can but hope.